This Grade 10 Essay that I wrote was marked unfairly in my opinion and I think I deserve a better mark(s) for it. This is what I got:
Thinking and Inquiry : 75%
Communication: 90%
Application: 70%
I feel like I deserve a much better mark, particularly in the Thinking and Application areas, even the Communication area too..
So the Topic was: Prove how the author uses literary terms to illustrate the theme in the short story %26quot;Just Lather, That's All%26quot;.
So could anyone, maybe even a high school English teacher, mark this or comment on it and comment on the grades I was given at least? (We were supposed to have an Intro paragraph, and 1 body paragraph (1 of the blueprints) and that's it. No conclusion or the other 2 body paragraphs to make it a traditional 5 paragraph essay.) At last, here it is:
Decisions are a routine aspect of people’s daily lives, with some decisions being fairly mundane and others of particular significance or impact. Sometimes the outcomes of these decisions can be highly negative or positive, with people knowing the risks before making the decision. Similarly, the barber in the short story “Just Lather, That’s All” encounters a critical decision of whether to kill or not to kill another man. In the short story “Just Lather, That’s All”, Hernando Téllez utilizes various literary terms to demonstrate one of the many themes in his story: killing another human being is a difficult task that requires bravery and morality. Téllez writes the story in a first person point of view, limited to the barber, which allows the reader to learn of the painful thought process and reasoning behind the barber’s decision to kill or not to kill Captain Torres. The author also uses the conflict ‘person vs. self’ to demonstrate that the barber must make a crucial, inner decision whether he shall slit the throat of Captain Torres while shaving him or not. Téllez’s use of irony, in which Captain Torres ironically states that killing is not easy, also portrays the theme of the short story.
In keeping with the theme of the story, the first person point of view, limited to the barber, allows the reader to experience the difficult and potentially life-changing decision that the barber must make. The barber contemplates whether he shall slit the throat of Captain Torres or not, and carefully considers the possible consequences of doing so, “But what would I do with the body? Where would I hide it? I would have to flee, leaving all I have behind, and take refuge far away, far, far away. But they would follow until they found me.” (Téllez 4) Aware of the possible consequences of his actions, the barber realizes that killing another man is not an easy task to perform. In the aftermath, the barber would have to worry for his own life and have to cope with the fact of his actions of killing another man. With this in mind, the barber decides that he does not “want to be a murderer, no sir. You came to me for a shave. And I perform my work honorably. I don't want blood on my hands. Just lather, that's all.” (Téllez 5) Indeed, the barber is quite proud of his profession and he would not want his reputation to be ruined if he were to kill his client. The barber gingerly examines the consequences and the possible impact of killing Captain Torres could have on his life. Despite how easily the barber could have slit the throat of Captain Torres, Téllez proves through the first person point of view, limited to the barber, that killing another man is not easy, as it requires a brave and moral man to do so.
Could you critique/grade/mark my essay?
I think that as an essay, it's on the right track. However, I think for the two paragraphs of an essay, it's seriously lacking.
Let's start with the positives - your writing is more mature than most I've seen. I don't know how old you are, but there is obviously some talent here. You write well. I've seen college seniors with less talent!
Next, you're trying. Props for that as well.
Now, for the not so fun -
I think you're on the right path of piecing apart the story. And you were given a tough assignment - everything in your being is telling you to create an essay from start to finish instead of just two simple paragraphs.
I think your intro is seriously lacking though. It's more of a first paragraph in the body than it is the actual intro to the essay. I think the idea was there but just executed poorly.
I also think that this essay is lacking simple structure. I can tell that no outline was made - it's painfully obvious as the thought process kind of goes all over the place. Also, keep your sentences in check. I know that essays tend to run with longer sentences and paragraphs in general, but yours tend to keep going on. Remember that it's good to break up sentences with different styles. For example, if you use a compound sentence, use a simple sentence next to break it up and make it easier to read.
Now, for what grade I would give you...
If you're in a high school class, I would have given you a solid B.
If you're in a high school AP class, I would have given you a B-.
If you're in a college class, I would have have given you a C.
