essay question : what experiences have lead you to choose your professional field and objective?
I stared with amazement as the robotic arm came to life on the television screen. The arm was adorned with wires and metal knobs that made it look almost identical to a human arm. Then as the patient%26#039;s brain sent messages to the artificial arm , the arm responded immediately and performed the commands given to it by twisting its robotic wrists and bending its titanium fingers which shimmered beautifully in the light as it made every move. The patient smiled with joy and thanked the doctor for his arm. This is one of the examples of beautiful works of art created by precise engineering and meticulous biological design and is a marvel of Biomedical Engineering, a new field which will revolutionize science
Ever since I was a child , I wanted to pursue a field which would be challenging and would require a lot of hard work and determination to make something which will benefit people in someway on the other. I first thought of becoming either into an engineer ,scientist or a doctor and wished that I could pursue all three fields. Later on, I came across Biomedical Engineering which turned out to be my ideal field of choice. Everyday,people lose their limbs, eyes, etc due to an accident and become physically disabled, while others are born with such disabilities. Life is hard for a person who is physically disabled because such people usually can%26#039;t lead a normal life find it difficult to do things that normal people do such as play outdoor games, get a job,drive a car,etc. My sole purpose of taking up a course in Biomedical Engineering is to learn the techniques and methods involved in creating wonders which will change people%26#039;s lives for good.
In addition to this, my grandfather served as a great source of inspiration for me. He used to advise my father that he should help and serve people and tell his friends and future generations to do the same. My grandfather volunteered himself by stitching clothes and providing food for the poor in the 1940s during India%26#039;s struggle for freedom. In addition to this, he donated most of his used clothes to charity. Unfortunately, my grandfather passed away twenty years ago due to old age and I couldn%26#039;t get a chance to see him. My father who works in a company, does his best to follow his father%26#039;s footsteps by donating to charities, participating in the terry fox run for cancer research,etc.My dad told me to become into a benevolent person by following my grandfather%26#039;s advice that he once received a long time ago.
With the aim of improving people%26#039;s lives, I will do whatever it takes to reach my goals. I hope to one become into a bioengineer and become a part of a team of engineers and scientists which will work and research tirelessly in order to ensure that people live longer and make a difference to many more that are out there waiting for help.|||Tip #1:
Which or That?
While both which and that can be used in other constructions, the confusion usually arises when they are being used as relative pronouns to introduce adjective (or relative) clauses. In the examples below, we have bracketed the adjective clauses. (Remember that a clause is simply a group of words containing a subject and a verb):
1. Our house [that has a red door and green shutters] needs painting.
2. Our house, [which has a red door and green shutters], needs painting.
3. The classrooms [that were painted over the summer] are bright and cheerful.
4. The classrooms, [which were painted over the summer], are bright and cheerful.
http://www.getitwriteonline.com/archive/鈥?/a>
Tip #5
Your first paragraph jumps in too quick. You should give a bit of a warning to the reader, by saying something like:
%26quot;In order to demonstrate my passion for robotic engineering, please allow me to share a short story with you about my first encounter with robotics as a young boy%26quot;.
Tip #2:
Sometimes you don%26#039;t explain your ideas fully. Although you write well, readers might be confused by ideas that are not fully developed. For example,
%26quot;The arm was adorned with wires and metal knobs that made it look almost identical to a human arm.%26quot;
How does a robotic arm with wires and metal knobs look identical to a human arm? Sorry, doesn%26#039;t make a lot of sense. Try more explanation or something.
Tip#3:
My sole purpose of taking up a course in Biomedical Engineering is to learn the techniques and methods involved in creating wonders which will change people%26#039;s lives for good.
It%26#039;s grammatically better to say %26quot;...will change people%26#039;s lives for the better%26quot;
Tip #4:
This is not very PC:
Life is hard for a person who is physically disabled because such people usually can%26#039;t lead a normal life find it difficult to do things that normal people do such as play outdoor games, get a job,drive a car,etc.
you could say something like:
The impact of some physical disabilities on a person%26#039;s mobility in particular sparked my interest in constructing mechanical limbs...%26quot; or something
Final Tip:
It%26#039;s sometimes dangerous to back yourself into a corner and say that you have a sole purpose. You might benefit by saying that although your primary motivation is x you are open minded and are looking forward to seeing what kind of new ideas will come to you (don%26#039;t use this exact wording, you get the point).
--Oh yes, and what Katie #2 said|||thanks for your comments and help guys ! :)
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|||There isn%26#039;t one spelling mistake, great job!!! I love your introduction,it looks great!!! |||%26quot;I first thought of becoming either into an engineer ,scientist or a doctor and wished that I could pursue all three fields.%26quot;
You should get rid of the word into because it doesn%26#039;t really make sense, at least to me it doesn%26#039;t. Otherwise it sounds good.
